In our house there are certain things that are non-negotiable. John and I began to figure out our non-negotiables as we began to start our family. Cell phones are not allowed at the dinner table. "Please" and "thank you" are expectations. Books are read before bedtime.
And one of our most coveted... mom and dad have date nights with just mom and dad, regularly.
I clearly remember getting the advice to always "date your spouse" when I was pregnant. At the time I found the advice kind of silly - I loved my husband dearly and our bond would always be strong. Sure, we'd have kids who would need attention but they would only bond us even more! Right?
Then..... KABOOM. Into your life comes this new person and your world is changed. The kind of love that happens when you become a mother is incredible, it is unlike any emotion you've ever experienced. It's magic.
And seeing the spouse, who fills your heart in a different way, with that baby is exquisite too.
The feelings that come with motherhood are indescribable. The gravitational pull that these tiny little beings bring with them is inescapable. You very quickly learn what all of those women meant when they said "Once you are a mother, you will be a mother forever more." It changes your very DNA. Not just in your soul but in your body as well. Once you think you will finally start to have your body back (after growing that human) the adventure of breast feeding/pumping begins - an entirely different beast. And through all of this, that person who was your world's center gets kicked to the sidelines. This is not at all a knock to new moms - so much of this is pure survival. It's just reality. As helpful and wonderful as an active parter can be in this time of new parenthood - the majority of the beginning load is carried by mamas.
When I picked my partner, I did not realize that one of the most amazing qualities he possesses is his selflessness. I know that not every woman out there is as lucky. He just got it. He understood that this time in our lives was going to mean his spot in line, when it came to my attention, was gonna be much lower on the list. He dug into the hard with me and didn't expect anything.
When we had our first, Micah, we were both in the thick of medical training. He was in the middle of his most intense year of plastic surgery residency and I was finishing up pediatric residency and moving into my first year of pediatric cardiology fellowship. (Seriously though, I have no idea what we were thinking). To this day I don't know how we all survived. It took a village of friends, supportive out of town family and deep breaths. Along the way both sets of grandparents, despite not living in California, were a constant presence. Both sets made it a point to make sure that we, as a couple, were making time for each other. Regular visits were arranged without question. We were even gifted a "Date night fund" that was only allowed to be used for babysitting funds (brilliant idea and something I will definitely be stealing for the future ;)).
Our very first date night as parents. Micah was 2 weeks.
Thanks Nani!
Initially our dates were sporadic, with long stretches in between. We wouldn't think much of it, life was busy and we were doing all we could to stay afloat. But then the bickering, the annoyed mutterings under the breath, the hurt feelings over something super small would gradually creep in. I would think "Is this really going to be life now? Shouldn't having children enrich our lives?"
What I didn't understand at the time was that these were our "empty gas tank" signals. Our marriage connection "gas tank" was running low. This was learned over time as each of our date nights would leave me feeling full again. We would spend an evening together where we could actually finish a thought without a crying baby interruption. We could fully express a frustration we were having, knowing we were being heard with undivided attention. We could fully work through miscommunications, finally getting a chance to fully understand where the other was coming from. We could fill each other in on the small, yet vitally important, events happening in our days that we had forgotten about or had no time to tell the other person. We got to be the center of each other's world again... even if only for an hour.
It was in those early years of parenthood when I began to learn how vitally important connection to my partner was. We were better parents when our relationship was strong and connected, first. And date nights were the life infusing energy source to keep our "marriage tank" full.
Nowadays in the post medical training world, things are different. In some ways easier, in other ways harder (hello two kids!). But there is one thing that is and always will be crystal clear to me - I must remain connected with my partner. Always. I can't do this life thing without him.
Don't fall into the trap of being too busy. Date your mate. When the kids have grown and are off in their own lives, what do you want your life to look like? I know what I want for mine. Endless days spent doing all the things in this amazing world with the man I love.
Thanks for being my perfect match, John.