A Year With Angie Our Amazing Au Pair

When we embarked on the second child adventure with our precious Juliet we had to answer an important question - what would we do for childcare? It should not be a surprise to you that we need childcare. I don't work as much as I used to (bye bye 80 hour work weeks of fellowship life) as I am now part time, working two days a week, but sustainable childcare continues to be a must.

We pondered many things...

• Part time nanny?

Bay area costs for nannies are VERY high. Financially, 20ish hours a week would probably cost more than full time daycare. Also, I'm straight up not good at being a direct employer..... I have always been super nervous about critiquing the person who is taking care of my children.

Micah's first day of preschool at 2.5 yo

• Childcare or Preschool?

Definitely something we seriously considered. As the daughter of a woman who is a preschool GURU I love love love what a great preschool environment can do for a child. At this stage it made a little more sense for us to have more in home flexibility. In addition to having clinic on Thursday and Friday each week, I also have the possibility of being called to see patients in a couple local hospitals. Meaning we needed hours outside of "normal childcare hours". But you can bet that we'll be using this option very soon ;)

And then there was a type of childcare I'd heard mentioned from people in our community, an Au Pair. It's totally reasonable if you have no idea what this is... many people in my life hadn't! In basic terms, an au pair is someone from another country who comes for one year (or more) to live with you and help take care of your children. Au pair's apply to an agency and families register with that agency to get connected with them. Au pairs come to the US on a student visa and are required to do scholarly work to meet their Visa criteria. In other words, it's all very structured :)

When John and I first talked about this option we liked many things about it - the flexibility, infusing the culture of someone else in our home, the reasonable cost, not having to directly employ someone (me in particular), having another person constantly present to show love to our kids! But one thing we couldn't quite wrap our heads around was having someone living in our house all the time. Which I'm sure is why this option gets eliminated by many.

So I reached out to a friend who had an au pair. We sat down for lunch together one day and what I immediately noticed once we began our discussion was how she was literally GLOWING when talking about her experience. She mentioned all of the positives I mentioned above and quickly addressed my main concern. Her exact words were "You will be shocked at how quickly the "weirdness" of having a stranger in your house goes away". Her biggest piece of advice was to spend A LOT of time interviewing people and to interview A LOT of candidates. Her excitement was infectious and quite convincing - as evidenced by me opening an account with our agency that same night! I just knew that this kind of care would be amazing for our little peanut.

Now I don't want to paint a picture that this form of childcare is magical for everyone. Just as ANY childcare situation goes, there are people who have had negative experiences with it. In order to prevent that I did exactly what my wise friend instructed - I interviewed MANY people (which is pretty exhausting... I gotta say), I asked many questions, I bounced every candidate off of John and had him get on a "second interview" if he wasn't available for the first or if there was an interesting candidate. We specifically decided that we wanted an au pair from Latin America in order to get Spanish flowing in our home. 

After many weeks of Skype interviews, searches in "google translate", emails and spousal discussion we made our choice. She was from Argentina, had great English skills and a lot of energy. Only to find out the next week that it was no longer possible for her to do the year when her father suddenly fell ill. Back to the drawing board... but in true fashion in this life of ours - things happen for a reason. 

The next day I stumbled upon the profile of a beautiful 22 year old girl from Colombia named Angie. From the smile on her profile picture alone, I was intrigued. You know how sometimes a smile says nearly everything about a person? Well.... that's her. That's our amazing Angie. We were able to arrange an interview with her when both John and I were available (which almost never happened). After speaking with her for less than 5 minutes I knew she was the one. Her poise, confidence, thoughtful answers, poignant questions and warm personality emanated through the screen. We got off the call and both simultaneously said "She's the one!".

That night we emailed her asking if she wanted to be a part of our family (which we later found out was her birthday!), anxiously awaited her response and all did a happy dance when she said "yes". We later learned that she spent quite some time on her search for the right family as well. She had actually turned other families down - which is not something all au pairs are confident enough to do - to make sure she found her best match.

A little over a month later on March 17th 2017 we finally got to meet :)

This past year with Angie has been better than I could have ever imagined. She fit into our home in such a seamless way. The amount of warmth, love, compassion, smiles, laughs and energy she's infused in our lives is hard to truly describe. Micah and Juliet adore her.... in such a way that thinking about her departure is very difficult to picture (luckily that isn't for another 9 months!). Knowing that these two have another person in their lives to shower them with love has been incredible to watch. 

If you are in a place where you are trying to figure out a good childcare option for your family, I urge you to think about this one. It has been an experience that we will truly never forget. I know that our family will have a lifelong connection to Angie. I can't wait when we will one day travel to Colombia and see her country through her eyes. 

Angie - WE LOVE YOU! Happy 1 year anniversary to us all!

Laying Down Roots

In the last several months, August 2017, we purchased our first home. At the ripe old age of 35 (well I guess I was 34 when it was actually purchased ;) ) our monthly payment changed from "rent" to "mortgage". Looking back on how we came to become Pleasanton/East Bay/Bay Area/Northern Califorian-ers seems like it was an inevitable result. Though when I think back to our little tree stump with it's roots exposed and dangling in the wind..... it seemed anything but clear.  But, I'll leave the story of our post medical training decisions for another blog post (because that is a whole story of it's own!). 

Leaving our last apartment on the "other" side of the bay

After moving to the East Bay from the Peninsula in the summer of 2016 we first set out to decide what town would best suit us.  Traffic concerns, public school ratings, affordability of housing, the "feel" of a town were all swirling in our thought process. Then we came to a decision, Pleasanton was the place for us. Our "unofficial" search started in Spring 2017. We'd roam through open houses on the weekends in between kid activities getting a feel for what we liked and didn't like about each area. We initiated our finely filtered  "Zillow search" extravaganza a few months before we were in a place where we could actually (financially) make an offer but in our hearts.... were very ready to make one.

And then the day came, we got the clearance - you can start making offers. Commence the s*** show that is buying a house in the Bay Area. Only those brave ::cough:: stupid? ::cough:: (ha, kidding) enough to take this journey can fully appreciate how RIDICULOUS it is. Full cash offers from overseas buyers, no contingencies, a 7 day close, the basic assumption that you WILL bid over ask price (insert eye roll). Yaaay here we go! The first place we put an offer on, we did not get. Not only did we not get it, I'm pretty sure the offer got laughed off the table. We wrote the typical "we are adorable" letter playing the "sweet young doctor couple with cute kids" card, bid over ask, took away the contingencies (which looking back was A BAD IDEA for this particular house) and just got straight up denied. Not even recieving a counter offer.

Closing of our letter

In that picture my hair was a mess, Micah didn't want to take a picture and Juliet was febrile with Roseola. The day we found out our offer got denied - John went outside to start the grill for dinner and a mouse was looking up from the inside of it. This was clearly not meant to be our house. The cosmic world was giving us all the signs.

And as everyone who buys a home says, when you find the right one you will look back and be thankful about the ones that fell through. On the hunt again, a little bruised, we went. On Father's day weekend in 2017, John stumbled upon a listing for an open house in an area we had identified as our "dream location". It was drop. dead. gorgeous. Completely remodeled in clean and bright decor with impeccable taste by the owner's son (who happened to be an amazing contractor). It was adjacent to a huge beautiful park for the kids, walkable to the vibrant downtown area in one direction, located next to an amazing place to go on long runs (just in time for my runners itch to return) in the other direction..... perfect. But the catch - it was is was one bedroom short of what we very much needed. As I was walking out the door saying "it is everything we want but we need 4 bedrooms", the seller's relator motions upstairs and says "do you realize how easy it would be to enclose that open loft?". And bam - we were smitten. We went to see the other houses we had planned to see but kept coming back to that beautiful home.... it was meant for us. We went after it, lost a lot of sleep over it and then we got it. 

A little Veuve Clicquot toast to an offer accepted

Escrow..... Inspections..... Maintence.... 15 year close? 30 year close?..... HOW MUCH property tax?...... We will not be able to afford toilet paper anymore, OK?........ And, then we closed on our dream house. 

And every day since, I open my eyes to a home I adore. A home my kids will grow up in. A home in a community that we are and will be actively involved in. A home to finally plant those weary, hungry, healthy roots. 

Date Your Mate

In our house there are certain things that are non-negotiable. John and I began to figure out our non-negotiables as we began to start our family. Cell phones are not allowed at the dinner table. "Please" and "thank you" are expectations. Books are read before bedtime.

And one of our most coveted... mom and dad have date nights with just mom and dad, regularly.

I clearly remember getting the advice to always "date your spouse" when I was pregnant. At the time I found the advice kind of silly - I loved my husband dearly and our bond would always be strong. Sure, we'd have kids who would need attention but they would only bond us even more! Right?

Then..... KABOOM. Into your life comes this new person and your world is changed. The kind of love that happens when you become a mother is incredible, it is unlike any emotion you've ever experienced. It's magic.

And seeing the spouse, who fills your heart in a different way, with that baby is exquisite too.

The feelings that come with motherhood are indescribable. The gravitational pull that these tiny little beings bring with them is inescapable. You very quickly learn what all of those women meant when they said "Once you are a mother, you will be a mother forever more." It changes your very DNA. Not just in your soul but in your body as well. Once you think you will finally start to have your body back (after growing that human) the adventure of breast feeding/pumping begins - an entirely different beast. And through all of this, that person who was your world's center gets kicked to the sidelines. This is not at all a knock to new moms - so much of this is pure survival. It's just reality. As helpful and wonderful as an active parter can be in this time of new parenthood - the majority of the beginning load is carried by mamas. 

When I picked my partner, I did not realize that one of the most amazing qualities he possesses is his selflessness. I know that not every woman out there is as lucky. He just got it. He understood that this time in our lives was going to mean his spot in line, when it came to my attention, was gonna be much lower on the list. He dug into the hard with me and didn't expect anything. 

When we had our first, Micah, we were both in the thick of medical training. He was in the middle of his most intense year of plastic surgery residency and I was finishing up pediatric residency and moving into my first year of pediatric cardiology fellowship. (Seriously though, I have no idea what we were thinking). To this day I don't know how we all survived. It took a village of friends, supportive out of town family and deep breaths. Along the way both sets of grandparents, despite not living in California, were a constant presence. Both sets made it a point to make sure that we, as a couple, were making time for each other. Regular visits were arranged without question. We were even gifted a "Date night fund" that was only allowed to be used for babysitting funds (brilliant idea and something I will definitely be stealing for the future ;)).

Our very first date night as parents. Micah was 2 weeks.

Thanks Nani!

Initially our dates were sporadic, with long stretches in between. We wouldn't think much of it, life was busy and we were doing all we could to stay afloat. But then the bickering, the annoyed mutterings under the breath, the hurt feelings over something super small would gradually creep in. I would think "Is this really going to be life now? Shouldn't having children enrich our lives?"

What I didn't understand at the time was that these were our "empty gas tank" signals. Our marriage connection "gas tank" was running low. This was learned over time as each of our date nights would leave me feeling full again. We would spend an evening together where we could actually finish a thought without a crying baby interruption. We could fully express a frustration we were having, knowing we were being heard with undivided attention. We could fully work through miscommunications, finally getting a chance to fully understand where the other was coming from. We could fill each other in on the small, yet vitally important, events happening in our days that we had forgotten about or had no time to tell the other person. We got to be the center of each other's world again... even if only for an hour. 

It was in those early years of parenthood when I began to learn how vitally important connection to my partner was. We were better parents when our relationship was strong and connected, first. And date nights were the life infusing energy source to keep our "marriage tank" full. 

Nowadays in the post medical training world, things are different. In some ways easier, in other ways harder (hello two kids!). But there is one thing that is and always will be crystal clear to me - I must remain connected with my partner. Always. I can't do this life thing without him.

Don't fall into the trap of being too busy. Date your mate. When the kids have grown and are off in their own lives, what do you want your life to look like? I know what I want for mine. Endless days spent doing all the things in this amazing world with the man I love.

Thanks for being my perfect match, John.