Posted in my previous blog December 2015
Almost two months ago, I had my second miscarriage.
Miscarriage is far more common than people talk about. For those of us who’ve been through it, it’s surprising how many people will open up about theirs when you share yours.
It’s one of those club memberships that no one really likes being a part of. Once you’ve been through one, you’re never quite the same.
With each subsequent pregnancy, you can’t help but have your guard up. It’s an innate human response – we are wired to protect ourselves. I thought I could blunt the heartache with the next using my fullproof protective mechanism.
Don’t get attached.
Sound familiar to you?
Surprise surprise, it didn’t really work.
But this second time, there was something different….. me.
My mindset; inner strength; commitment to growth; desire to inspire were not as important then as they are now.
Which is why I’m ready to publicly share this very personal experience – so you know that you are not alone.
I believe that our life experiences, good and bad, are always meant to teach us. If we aren’t seeking out how each experience helps us grow into who we were meant to be, they are wasted.
And after a time to reflect, here is what I’ve learned. A sort of dos and don’ts list.
Do acknowledge and know that the positive pregnancy test will instill an equal sense of happiness and fear. This is OK.
Don’t expect others to understand your trepidation – people just want to be happy for you and to see you happy. This is an amazing human response.
Do share with the people you want to know. Resist the urge to put yourself on an island – it will not protect you.
Don’t beat yourself up when you subconsciously begin planning out the future.
Do know that despite your best efforts, when that heartbeat flashes on the screen, you are going to get attached. It will be a beautiful sight.
Don’t blame yourself when it disappears. You can’t carry that unnecessary guilt.
Do be kind to yourself during the days of feeling pregnant but no longer being pregnant. They are quite possibly the hardest.
Don’t hold yourself to a timeline of when you should have “gotten over it”.
Do whatever you have to do to get through the day(s) of medical or surgical removal. Each carries their own heaviness, I’ve now experienced both. If you want coco puffs and veuve clicquot at 9am to numb the pain– YOU GO GET COCO PUFFS AND VEUVE CLICQUOT.
My 8am purchases that day
Don’t let the small beauties of that day go unnoticed. Someone is trying to show you they are right there with you.
The view outside right after it had passed.
Do give yourself time to grieve. Time to cry. Time to mindlessly watch terrible TV.
Don’t forget that your partner is going through this too. They will try to be strong for you but they need you too.
Do let other people in. Resist the urge to keep it bottled inside. People want to be there to help, you have to give them a chance.
Thank you, Dave K.
Don’t expect everyone to say the right thing. This topic can be difficult for people, especially those who’ve never been through it. Intentions are good, appreciate their concern.
Do allow yourself a little pick me up on a particularly tough day. Spend that saved up birthday money freely on a purse and wallet you’ve been coveting ;)
Don't feel guilt getting back into your routine, but be gentle. Your body needs time to recover.
Do squeeze your little one tight. Smell their sweet hair, kiss their sweet cheeks, watch them sleep for a few minutes longer.
Don’t EVER convince yourself that you are alone – because you aren’t.
One of the hardest parts of miscarriage is a future unknown, a worry that you may go through this all over again. I know this feeling intimately well. But in life, there are no guarantees. The decisions going forward for yourself and your family are the right ones.
To the co-members of this club, I’m sorry for your loss. One day we’ll meet these little beings who’ve touched our lives more than we could have ever thought. Take care of yourself and know you are not alone.
